ALEKSANDRA PATOVA

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Pathetic doubts and relief

Alek with a sea hedgehog we found thrown by the waves on the beach

I've spent a lot of time last year dealing with questions about how far my inspiration and my abilities can go when it comes to photography. I was afraid I can't take pictures any more, and the fear turned into struggle. I couldn't spend a day without thinking that I worth nothing without photography in my life and this state of mind was pulling me down. But it was difficult to fight my thoughts, or it was too difficult to face the fact that I shouldn't be whining and complaining even if my photo inspiration came to an end. It was a doubting time, insecure and sunken that's exactly how I felt. After months of stupid selfpitiness I got some kick, started taking pictures, which were most of the time unsatisfying, but shooting was still something to hold on. Then I went to Bulgaria and I did this big ridiculous speech in front of my friends and relatives, that you see I decided to change my directions in photography. Talking about less dramatic poses and expressions, explaining how a picture should strike you without going for the over-exaggerated moods, I let myself to be fouled by my own words and what reason has told me. The truth was that I can't choose my directions, inspiration and visions come in my life spontaneously, not by will. Then I had this conversation with my brother about what I was going through and he told me that I have forgotten how to be peaceful, that I have let my fears and thoughts to disturb me unnecessary. Few days after that when his words actually succeeded to get through I felt like I want to cry and laugh in the same time. There is nothing like the relief in this world, even when it comes after pathetic worries like mine. I was finally free to just take pictures, without stuffing myself with fears, guilt and expectations, without trying too hard. After that I had beautiful photography moments with my friends and my family, I cherish even the pictures that look like a crap, just because I am thankful I was able to carry the simple happiness of shooting. Today I was looking through all the pictures I took in 2011 and I am so surprised by those frames. All of them speak about me, they look exactly like taken by me and in many of them there isn't any sign of my doubts (or at least I don't see it) and this just leaves me speechless and wondering what was all this time full with worries spent for. And what is more confusing how is it possible that one looses the happiness of taking pictures, but still continue to create, not even being aware of it.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

My brother

I know that the night pictures of my brother are not as good as they should be, they don't receive the same attention like the rest of the pictures I took during my two months in Bulgaria. Still I find something very personal in these frames - driving around in my hometown with my bro, talking and being excited about how the autumn looks in the night. It is unforgettable moment and I am pleased I have the photos to remind me of it.